Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
To care for things makes the whole world come to life."
It's delicious to feel well nourished in relationships. There's a hunger we have for all kinds of relationship food: warmth, kindness, appreciation, time spent together. However, when this is not forthcoming some will do anything to get fed. In order to understand the true workings of relationships, we must understand the real process of nourishment - of cooking and being fed. Right from the moment we are born, we connect being fed with being loved. When we cry, mother feeds us and we feel safe and cared for. If the food we need is withheld for too long, we believe she doesn't love us, or that we are being punished.
This pattern can continue throughout an entire life. In some cases one person consistently plays the role of the feeder and other the role of the one being fed. Some withhold love so their partner will do what they want of them. Others feed their partners on demand. Sex is often used in this fashion, providing a sense of being loved, wanted, cared for and nourished. When it is withheld or rationed out, the hungry partner feels deprived and hurt.
Most are not aware of the many kinds of food the universe abundantly provides. As in childhood, they become fixated on one person, who they see as their sole source of well being. The first thing to notice here is our intense orientation towards receiving. We feel that in order to feel full and nourished we must be fed. This is the idea of the infant - feed me and all will be well. Lester, a man in his sixties joined a dating service, and due to his age, buoyant demeanor and big, yellow Cadillac, received one introduction after the next. After each date, he was asked to report back about how the evening went. Finally, the service received a glowing report. 'What an evening,' reported Lester. She's everything I ever wanted. I went to her house for a home cooked dinner, and what did I see? A freezer full of steaks.' This was a match made in heaven for Lester. He envisioned a lifetime of being fed.
We must be aware of all kinds of food, emotional, mental and spiritual that are needed in a complete Ucrelationship. It is necessary to stop a moment and recognize exactly what kind of food we are consuming in the relationship, is it healthy, is it food our system can digest? Although fast food may taste good and initially fill us up, it can have bad side effects. The same is true in relationships. Although what we get from our partner is initially hot and spicy it can cause heartburn later on. We can eat all day, but if we do not taste and digest what we are eating, we will never receive the nourishment we need.
Clea spent all her time wanting to change Arnold. "There's so much that's wonderful about him," she said, "but what I'm hungering for, I don't get. I need more excitement." It was as though Arnold were an apple tree who was giving her fabulous apples, while she was all the time longing for pears. Rather than walk down the street to the pear tree and take one, she railed against this fine apple tree, which could not produce a pear, no matter how hard it tried.
Some of us are simply addicted to being dissatisfied. But in order to live a life of being in love, we must learn to take what is given and offer thanks in return. If we spend all our time wanting to change the person, rejecting their essential qualities, not wanting or valuing what they basically give, this is a sure fire recipe for nausea. In order to be well nourished in relationships we must be able to absorb what is useful and discard the rest.
We must learn to take in the beauty and value offered, and by-pass that which is not valuable. It is a mistake to expect all of our needs to be met by one person. Honor and be grateful for that which you receive. Don't become bitter and spend all your time focussing on that which the person is not able to provide.
Feeding Others We Are Fed.
In order to receive the full nourishment we need in relationships, it is necessary to do more than take, we must learn how to become the cook – how to nourish and feed others. In Zen practice the cook is called the tenzo. During retreats the meals must be cooked with great mindfulness and care, with not a drop of food wasted. The meals have to be ready exactly the moment. The very cooking itself becomes a training in offering, not only the food, but one's entire self. When one is in this state of being, it is impossible to be hungry or discontent.
Most have no idea what it really meant to give fully – to truly care for another person. Most of our life orientations is what we can get for ourselves. "When you're cooking up there with total concentration, you can actually feel the effort of others sitting downstairs. You can also feel their hunger and appreciation when the food is served at the right moment," Samantha said.
Being the cook means learning how to appreciate the needs of others, and being willing to completely fill them, on time. Rather than compulsively focus on our own hunger, we become naturally aware of the needs of others. As we do this, a strange thing happens, our own hunger completely fades away. Feeding others, we are fed ourselves. We are able to taste life (and people) as they are given. Our relationships turn around 180 degrees. It no longer becomes a question of what the other is or isn't giving. It's a question of what can be offered to him or to her.
As we place our attention upon the needs of others and find ways of giving to them, not only does our hunger subside, but we begin to feel full. As this process continues, there is a deeper lesson to learn, that a never ending source of all kinds nourishment exists within us. We need never feel empty or hungry again. As we get to this place, we develop parental mind.
Parental mind is the state of mind that wants to care for and nourish others. It is the mind of the mother with a newborn child. A state of unconditional regard for the world we live in. It is not a mind which keeps accounts or continually needs to be filled up and attended to.
Exercises:
1)Favorite Food
What is your favorite food in relationships? What is it you hunger for daily? How do you get fed? Does someone else feed you? Do you feed yourself? Is there some other way you could get this particular nourishment? Take a little while and find out.
2)Emotional Indigestion
What kind of food are you now absorbing in your relationships that you cannot digest? Why do you keep eating it? What do you want from it? Is there some other food that could substitute?
3)Offerings
What are the offerings you bring to life? What are you willing to give unconditionally? Are you receiving joy for doing this? If not, it is not your true offering. Spend time considering what it is that you can truly offer that will nourish and gladden others and you as well. When a large part of our lives consist in making these kind of offerings, we fall in love with life itself.
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Discover the surprising truths about love in Dr. Shoshanna's new e-book Save Your Relationship. As you practice the basic laws of successful relationships she describes, you'll see how easy it is to win at love. Save Your Relationship also includes exercises and guidance to show you how to handle rough spots and turn your relationship into all it is meant to be. To get a copy now, go to http://www.truthaboutlove.com . Dr. Shoshanna is a well known psychologist, relationship expert and speaker. Some of her other books include, Zen and the Art of Falling in Love, Why Men Leave (www.whymenleave.com), Living by Zen, (www.livingbyzen.com). Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com, http://www.brendashoshanna.com
How to Attract Women: The Top Ten Ways To Tell If She's Into You (And the 6 Signs That She's N
No one can deny that body language plays a crucial role in catching girls' attention?and keeping it. Nearly *75%* of signals women send is through body language--so you're not going to find out if she's into you from words alone! Unfortunately, many men miss out on these signals, and thus miss out on the girl. The good news is, if you CAN read a girl's signals, you stand out from the rest of guys, and make yourself all the more attractive! With that said, here are 6 signs that she's not into you, and 10 signs that she is!
BAD BODY LANGUAGE
1. Not making eye contact with you?looking around, eyeing her friends, looking anywhere but at you
2. Legs crossed?always a bad sign. This means she's closing herself off to you
3. Arms crossed?This can convey annoyance and impatience. Definitely a bad sign.
4. Hands on her hips?This can also convey impatience. Not looking good.
5. Leaning backwards?It's much better when a woman is leaning towards you. If you notice her leaning away from you, keeping her distance, it means you've gotten too close for her comfort and she's not that into you, at least at this point.
6. A weak handshake?Do you shake a girl's hands when you meet her? If you do and notice that hers is weak and she is quick to take back her hand, then she's not very impressed.
GOOD BODY LANGUAGE
1. She looks down when you see her and smiles?A very good sign. She's shy but wants you to come over to talk to her.
2. She's twirling her hair around?Definitely into you.
3. Licks her lips?unless you can tell she's screwing with you, this is a very good sign!
4. Open legs?Open legs, open mind. She's open to hearing more from you?and who knows what else.
5. Sideways glance?The classic Hollywood flirtation, this is a coy, seductive way of showing her interest
6. Fondling a cylindrical object (cigarette, glass, etc.)?VERY good sign! And a hint of what she may have in mind for later on in the evening?
7. Fondling her shoe (shoe is slight off her foot, twisting her foot in circles)?This is that classic shy signal that girls use to display interest.
8. The "leg twine"?one leg pressed hard against the other to give the appearance of high muscle tone?very good sign
9. The head toss?If she tosses her hair back over her shoulders, this is definitely a good gesture.
10. Exposed wrists?If she's interested in you, she will gradually display the smooth, soft skin of her wrists to a guy she's interested in. Wrists are actually considered one of the more erotic areas of the body?so if she's showing you this sexual area?go for it!
Hope these tips help you out. Remember, none of this will do you any good if you don't follow up on it! If a girl is showing interest, it's up to you to take the next step and show your attraction BACK to her. Tune in to my next article on what YOU as a man must do to successfully attract female attention, using flirtatious body language. Because it's your turn!
About The Author:
James makes it easy to attract and build honest relationships with the women you want. Learn the 10 ways to tell if a girl is into you. To receive your free 6-part mini-course, please visit:
http://www.000relationships.com/towomen/
Breaking Psychological Barriers
Before 1954, running a sub four-minute mile was considered to be impossible according to physiologists at that time. It was thought that a four-minute mile was the physical limit of the human body.
When Englands' Roger Bannister ran a 3:59.4 to break the world record, he not only broke a physical barrier but he also broke a psychological barrier as well.
Australian John Landy, who was considered to be the premier miler of that era, was at a restaurant in Helsinki when news came to him of Bannister's achievement.
"I had got into this frame (of mind) where I had easily the best performances. Bannister had only run 4:02 once. I'd done it six times. I was staggered. I thought: 'Wow, what an amazing performance', but I was pretty positive. I thought if he can run that, maybe I can run it. It certainly raised my sights."
Six weeks later, Landy, broke Bannisters' record by running a 3:58.0.
Later that year, in the "Mile of the Century", in a race to decide who was the fastest miler in the world, Bannister ran a 3:58.8 to Landys' 3:59.6. It was the first time two men had run sub-four-minutes miles in the same race.
By the end of 1957, sixteen runners had accomplished the feat. Now what was thought impossible has become common, at least among elite runners. John Walker of New Zealand ran at least a hundred sub-four-minute miles in his career but American Steve Scott has the most with 136. The current record in the mile is 3:43.13, held by Hicham El Guerrouj of Morocco.
Another long-standing psychological barrier in the world of sports was Bob Beamons' incredible long jump of 29' 4 1/2" (8.90 m) in the 1968 Olympics. Beamon didn't just set the world record. He demolished it. In a sport where records are broken by inches and seconds, Beamon shattered the record by nearly two feet. He not only became the first man to jump over 29 feet but he was also the first man to jump over 28 feet.
Oddly enough, Beamons' coach at the '68 Olympics was Ralph Boston. In 1960, Boston had broken Jesse Owens long jump record set in 1935. It had held for 25 years. From 1960 to 1967, the record had only advanced by 8 1/2" inches.
Beamons' incredible leap was thought to be a freak accident that would never be duplicated. It was an accomplishment that was totally beyond Beamons' or anyone else's ability at that time. Beamon never came close to that mark again. It was considered to be the athletic feat of all time.
In the late eighties, Carl Lewis had begun to creep closer to Beamons' mark. With his world record speed in the 100 meters, Lewis had advanced the long jump record to 28' 7".
In the 1991 World Championships in Tokyo, five days after just setting the world record in the 100 meters by running it in 9.86 seconds, Lewis' 10-year unbeaten streak in the long jump came to an end, even though he put together the greatest series of jumps in history. Lewis had never before reached 29 feet, and this day he did it three times, including 29' 2" (wind-aided) and 29' 1" (against the wind). But Mike Powell, who had lost 15 consecutive times to Lewis, unleashed the longest jump in history -- 29' 4" (8.90 m). Powell had stunned Lewis and the world by finally beating the 23 year-old-record.
I've used these two stories from the sports world to illustrate that the things that often hold us back, are more psychological than physical. Limiting barriers are more in our minds than actual reality.
Henry Ford
"If you think you can do a thing or you think you can't do a thing, you're right."
You are not limited by anything except your own limiting thoughts. Many times, psychological barriers are just arbitrary standards. They could be marks such as earning $100,000 a year, getting straight A's in school, or setting new sales records. Why is it we establish these marks? We as human beings are goal-seeking organisms. We need something to work towards. A worthy goal gives us something to shoot for.
I'm sure Mike Powell, on his way to breaking Bob Beamons' record had preliminary goals he had to achieve. He first had to break the 25 foot mark, then the 26 foot mark, and so forth, until, after years of long training, spurred on by stiff competition from Carl Lewis, he put it all together to break one of the greatest records in sports history.
Many times we don't achieve our goals or objectives because we believe they are beyond our reach. When we see someone obtain some great achievement, we think it looks so easy. We just don't see the long years of hard work that got them there. Great achievements take time, no matter what field you are in. Working toward your goal requires a lot of faith because you just don't know whether it will all pay off. Goals are not reached without struggle. Long-range goals require great endurance of faith and persistence.
Breaking down our psychological barriers often comes down to trying one more time, trying a different approach or adjusting your methods just the right way. It's for sure; you will never get past your roadblocks without trying.
Success comes to those who overcome obstacles, conquers adversity and never gives up.
